RE: RE: RE: No Private Discussion Area
Date: Wed Sep 10 [2:34 PM]
Posted By: Mrs. Judy Mayer, Lover of Jack Belsito, President, Mott's Inc. ()
My darling Jack,
It is with a heart even heavier than your heart was when you wrote that first letter to me ( http://www.beta-7.com/discuss/discuss.cgi?mode=MSG&area=general&message=1389 ), that I write this. Despite all our complicated history together, I really thought our love would stand the test of time. Jack, there's a part of me that will love you forever, a part that will always remember the twinkle in the eye of that crazy, zesty, seafood-based-beverage-loving man who swept me off my feet nearly 17 hours ago. But those days are long gone, Jack, and I can't just keep living in the past.
You see Jack, I've been living a lie. Jack, I don't know how to tell you this, but.... The woman to whom you've been professing your undying love, the woman you left Diane for is not in fact Mrs. Judy Mayer of Lakewood, Ohio, but her twin sister, Mrs. Trudy Mayer of Lakewood, Ohio! (We married twin brothers, which is why we also have the same last name.)
You see, Jack, ever since I was a little girl, Judy had everything and I had nothing. At the dinner table, Judy was always the one who got to feel the satisfying POP! as she opened the safety-sealed cap on a fresh, frosty bottle of Clamato. By the time the bottle made its way around to my end of the table, I was usually left with a couple spoonfuls of pulpy grime with which to satisfy my seafood-based beverage refreshment needs (contrary to your product's instructions, my father forbade us to "Shake Well." But my father's atrocities are a whole other story...)
My whole life, I lived in the shadow of my twin sister's Clamato-charmed life. As teenagers, I watched as her skin glowed with vibrancy from all of the mega-nutrients packed into each bottle of Clamato, while the ordinary, clam-free tomato juice that was deemed "good enough" for me turned my face into a minefield of festering blackheads (thanks to years of intensive Clamato therapy as an adult, my skin is smooth and lovely now, but for years it was sheer hell.)
Her whole life, my sister rode an endless wave of Clamato-induced good fortune, reaping all of the benefits that its zesty, snappy goodness brings, without ever appreciating what she truly had, or giving back to the Clamato community in any way. So when I saw that Judy had founded MUACN! ( http://www.beta-7.com/blog/archives/000171.html ), well Jack, something inside me just snapped!
Her murder was a work of art, Jack. I told her I needed to discuss some important business with her, and invited her over for a Clamato break. She sat down as I casually poured two glasses of frosty, briny-tangy goodness, and she didn't notice as I slipped just the tiniest pinch of white powder into her Clamato. It was a powerful chemical, derived from a South American vine I believe, the only known compound in the world that can negate Clamato's natural zest, making it taste just like ordinary tomato juice.
I watched as her lips touched the glass and the first taste hit her tongue. A look of confusion spread over her face. She took another sip. Now she was panicking. Where is the zest? She looked over at the bottle from which I had poured, seeing that it was indeed Clamato brand clam-tomato blend beverage. In her eyes at that moment, I saw her whole world crumble beneath her. It was beautiful, Jack. She then dropped to the floor, dead from shock.
Jack, I want you to know that even though my name may be different, my seafood-based-beverage-loving heart is the same. I still feel as passionately for you as I do Clamato itself, but I can't go on hurting you this way.
I'll understand if you never want to see me again.
Love Always,
Mrs. Trudy Mayer
Lakewood, Ohio
In Reply To: RE: RE: No Private Discussion Area
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